And the 1st night..

I have no reason to justify why i'm posting this after 10 long months but, i guess self satisfaction is more important. So, here is my 1st day of trial which followed after we reached Chennai. As i mentioned earlier that we reached Egmore station quiet late and we had to travel to our college i.e 1.5 hours journey by local train.

It's already 9 pm and we patiently waited for the next local. We both were tensed about where Q will be staying after reaching at about mid-night and none of us uttered a word on the topic. There was hardly any rush in the train and seats seemed perfectly in tune with number of passengers.It was already 11 pm when we reached our destination.

I never knew that the night would take me to a new turn of my life. Turn! and I start laughing at myself. Life won’t take any turns now; everything will be smooth, straight and consistent except few ups and downs. Sometimes I do wish to disrupt everything and peek into that period but, whenever I have tried to do so, agony has followed. Even than I wish to live that night forever.

Few autos were standing near the station but, she took the different direction. I have to maintain the distance and I just have to hear her word and not to listen them was my notion. Being cautious about the same didn’t deter me from walking with her. Silence in every direction and lamps were pouring light everywhere. Lamps illuminated the road and the reflection from the lake on the other side graced the path. “What a silent place is our campus I must say. In Mumbai life starts after 10 pm” she said. I nodded and thought she’ll start praising her city again; what a nice idea to make herself superior. But, that didn’t happen. Then she started telling about her likes, dislikes, ambitions and most importantly her transient and adulterous nature.

“I think that there’s a gypsy inside me, which takes me to different places. From past 7 years I’m wandering to different places, meeting dissimilar people and I’m unaware when it’s going to end”. As if she was fooling around me, black blanket. Why is she telling me all this? I tried to understand the meaning behind her lines. An inner urge to get into her shoes dwelt inside and challenged me.

“Do you know how much I have walked on these university roads? How many days of my life I have spent on them?” and in same tone and flavour she added “and with so many different people”. Her college stories of bonding and detaching with different guys in different semesters followed. She told about her miserableness after the break-ups and how she became stronger after each one of them.

I was actually shocked by her revelations. Is this the same 'Q' I was talking to, a while before? Is she the same 'Q' i madly fell in love with? I hardly managed to smile back.

She herself smiled and said “Sometimes, I think that we humans have stored so much inside. We never realize that we are moving on a designated path and die subsequently; without knowing ourselves and our inner desires. What a pity!” Without even having a glance, I sensed that she’s having a dispirited and resigned expression on her face.

I suddenly became stung and felt like saying that what a beautiful way of excusing yourself dear, “moving on designated paths” and “inner desires”. It’s actually being deprived from your values and ethics. Instead, I just replied to her “What have you gained finally after these series of link-ups and break-ups?”

After a brief pause she said “Don’t you believe that when we live with different type of people we behave accordingly? We get to know people better and react the way they want us to. In fact, we live different lives altogether which enriches our personality. Dating new people, being intimate with them and enticing them to come after us; gradually in the process, a whole new world opens up to us. And all of a sudden we realize that this is what was inside us.” I shocked while I listened to her, as if I was hearing all this for the first time. I've known the concept of infidelity but, hearing the same from a person was astonishing. She stared at me and her eyes pierced through my face compelling me to approve her opinion.

Jouney with her..

23/06/2010, Wednesday

Its few minutes past mid-night, 15th June ’09. The railway station at Nagpur is quiet; no train has arrived or departed recently. The hawkers were yawning with smugness; the only sound audible was of various nocturnal creatures including some humans. I could actually hear the silence. It echoed. If you happen to be an orange, Nagpur is the best place to stay. You can always smell one in the surrounding. Even the announcement lady seems to have slept. The foul smell of rotting garbage at railway tracks suggested that cleanliness is more important, when godliness is unlikely. The very thought of missing the train was haunting otherwise I would have gone inside the waiting room and slept.

Train was at right time, got the berth after some negotiation with T.T. Q was in the AC compartment and I was more than just excited to meet her. I switched towards my coach, chained into the train, rushed on the lights, ran the luggage and jumped towards A.C compartments. To my dismay the shutters were down and I had to wait till morning. It’s like ripe guava hanging on the tree and you can’t eat it because it’s on the other side of your wall. I messaged my berth and coach number to her and slept peacefully as if nothing else can go wrong. It was like 5 am when someone disturbed my sleep. I was in a semi-conscious state and I couldn’t believe that it was her; so I continued sleeping believing it to be an illusion. It was then, when she hit on my legs, I got up.

While having morning tea it seemed as if only a day before we were sitting at the corner of our college gate gossiping and teasing each other. The interval of 15 days which felt like 15 months few minutes ago was reduced to 15 minutes. I don’t remember for how long we talked and gossiped and teased each other, the only thing I remember is holding her hands. I held her hands even after they turned sweaty. It's so easy, to think about it, to talk about it, to wish for it, but it's not always easy, to recognize it, even when we hold it.... In our hands.

Our discussions included random stuff mainly news and gossips of the college. I know it’s very mean especially when the topic of discussion includes heartbreak and break-ups but, I accept that I enjoyed it. Okay, i'll give you a sample:
Me: Hey, You remember “R”, girl from the class next to us?
Q: Yeah, of course I know her. Now, don’t tell me she ditched “A” and is currently roaming around with his friend “B”. That’s old news baby. Tell me something new. Are “A” and “B” still friends?
Me: Gosh! You know details even better than me. Well, both “A” and “B” are now best enemies and trying to find some way to quarrel.
Q: You know what? That “R” is really enjoying the situation and don’t tell anyone that I told you this but, “R” is dating another guy at her home-town also. They talk all the time on cell phone at nights and when her BF (temporarily “A”) calls her she tells him that she’d been talking to her brother. I pity “A”,poor chap..Huh..
Q: You know “Who dumped whom”? Blah blah blah….
Q: You know “Which guy she’s dating" or "How he managed to get away with her MMS”? Blah blah blah….

I just kept listening to those similar cases and shared few more details where long-distance relationships were coming to an end. In some cases the reason was jealousy because, the partner now has a better job and pay package and some had even weird reasons. Drastic changes in 15 days itself? Reminded me that time is very powerful.

MMS outdated, news which give limelight now is dating someone BRANDED. Girls’ hastening to date the handsome HR’s whom they met at placements meanwhile trying to find an IIM or IIT pass-out. All the IEEE and IEC standards of love set inside the college boundaries violated. People struggling to increase their TRP’s like any of Ekta Kapoor’s serial. Everyone wants to seek the lime-light and become a true professional. They want change just for the sake of image make-over.

Wait, do all these things really matter? I always thought that these cheap tricks existed only in movies and politics. Now I’ve seen that everyone practice flim-flam and deception at their own level, only the degree varies. I guarantee you, there's not a single exception. There’s no self-less deed and acts of kindness. If you consider me as a cynical, so be it.

Rest of the journey passed quickly and when we reached Chennai it was too late. Closing time of girl’s hostel was 6 pm and reaching the hostel would have taken another 1.5 hours. It was already 9 pm and I wanted to take no risk by giving her any suggestion about where to go. I maintained silence on the issue and went by her decisions. What was her decision? I’m afraid you need to wait for it.. Catch my next post..

Q's Description..

18/06/2010, Thursday

Probably 3:30 pm 14th June. I missed my train and no reservation available for next few days. Every possible routing checked, rechecked in different combinations but, of no use. I knew I’m going to get screwed for this blunder and numerous taunts will follow from various sources like different floodlights focusing on single player mid-field. I had no other option to escape the humiliation but, to start my journey as soon as possible without any reservation. I was mentally prepared for the worst possibilities. My determination to meet Q was getting stronger following the strange events and I believed that it was destiny’s higher will to test my patience and perseverance.
Somehow I managed to reach Nagpur station from Durg which is 4 hours journey through train. Pathetically middle class people surrounded me. I hated unreserved train journey, especially the long distance ones. I enquired the help-desk at Nagpur the next train towards Chennai, surprisingly it turned out to be the same train in which Q was travelling. Now, all the sequence of events seemed logical to me and I was able to connect the dots. I was on cloud nine and thanked god for all eventful incidents. Who knew, situations will turn so differently. I never imagined that things will get so complex that neither I would be able to resolve nor she. Even today if I give it a thought, everything seems unpredictable. May be someday if I’ll look behind, I might be able to reconnect these dots. I sat on the bench at station and went into a deep thought process.
Q the question in my life came when I was least expecting her. It was the last semester of my college life. I would never address her as beautiful or an angel of docility from heaven. She has an average looks and appears timid in her black specs. Nothing extraordinary about her; a woman of substance and intelligence. Always smiling and cracking jokes as if deep she knows how to transform a grieved heart burst into laughter. She has her own sense of humor and all the people surrounding her are her friends. Friend for her holds no specific definition, all the people she interacts with is her friend. Imagine the lady of justice tied with black cloth on her eyes yelling; “Everybody is equal” with the motto “Equal importance to all”. Like the breeze of air which touches you and winds away, you can feel its freshness but, you can never grab it; she is there but never yours. Infact no one would ever want to grab air. Why to chase a rainbow which has no beginning and no ends? Which can fade away as soon as rain is gone; harder you try to get closer, farther it moves away? I don’t believe in love at first sight and even if I had to pass across her hundreds of times I would have never loved her. It was never her appearance, her eyes or her nature. There is not a single reason I can find, I’m still clueless. She turned out to be the most gratifying person I have ever met. The notion of falling in love has always been the stupidest phenomenon I ever read about but, this time it had happened to me and I realized it until it was too late.
Ah, this late reminds me that I’m really getting late and I need to finish my official work. Damn, this Q would never leave me alone, it’s more than a year and still the memories are fresh as if it was just yesterday; I had revived from a deep sleep. Real life is so much bitter, I want to sleep again.

Train mishap...

17/06/2010, Thursday
It was precisely 10:00 am morning last year 14th June ’09. Gosh, I never knew I have such a nice memory. Thanks to the genes I inherited. Well, I am dating back to June 14th, which is also my uncle’s birth-date (may be the reason I remember the date).
I was on a long leave after my final semester exams and life was never more pleasing than this. Engineering finished, ended up with a decent paying core job, joining date not later than 2 months and resting at home. I was contended with my life, a bit annoyed at that time as I had to travel Chennai same day at 11:30 pm for some passport formalities. The only part that excited me was Q reaching Chennai few hours later the same day I was scheduled to reach. “Q” who unknowingly became an integral part of my life.
Waking up at 10 was infact quiet earlier than my usual routine those days and the reason I was up by 10 that day was the scheduled Puja. All the close relatives were supposed to visit and I had to get ready before guests start arriving. Relatives and puja, two troubles together, one trouble was not enough while the other was inevitable. Puja with relatives instantly flashes a scene in my mind as a car struck mid-way in traffic, no way to move, smoke and dust coming from all the directions and horns honking. No escape until you are about to faint. Believe me the same happened when everyone arrived, rooms were jam-packed and nowhere to sit. Outside it was the sun which was showing its brilliance, challenging everyone and teasing “I know what you did last summer”. Damn, even worse were the fumes of oil coming from the kitchen, I guess it was pooris. There was no escape and I had nothing else to do rather than listening to ear-piercing gossips or to get into deep thoughts. I chose the latter. I got nostalgic and was thinking about Q, imagining how things were in Q’s presence.
Pundit has already started his chants and kids playing various games in the background on the score of desert coolers. I don’t think I need to describe the time period in which puja and other rituals took place, a glimpse of students sitting inside a classroom where history is being taught is sufficient to describe the scenario. The worst part isn’t over yet, it created a mini stampede (I would rather call it as stamp-feet), when the pundit called everyone for “havan”. The oil-fumes from pooris were not enough I guess. The smoke from havan filled the room making everyone cough; I’m still doubt how a mist of carbon and its dangerous compounds can be considered sacred. Finally, it was the time for “Aarti”, all the ladies sang a hymn, gents tried to sing while children confused whom to imitate, all ended up in an ultimate chaos. At the end of all the discomfort I had, it was the first time I committed myself to god. I never knew how to worship until I knew how to love. Anyways, all is well what ends well. A thought prevailed “Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?”. Whatever, it was time for lunch, the moment not only me but, everyone were waiting since morning. I ate with a bunch of people but, still alone; Q was missing.
Although tired, I felt bit relieved and relaxed after I had delicious and heavy supper. Time passed by and clock ticked 3 pm. I had already procrastinated printing my tickets and had to finish off my packing as well. I went to a cyber café nearby to get the prints and what I saw was an utter disbelief to my eyes. The departure time of train was 11:30 am instead of 11:30 pm. I was dumbstruck at that moment and literally blank faced for a minute. I gathered courage to accept the fact that it was the biggest blunder I had ever committed but, laughed at myself like anything. But, the shock wasn’t over. How the hell can I tell this at home when every relative near and distant was present? Apart from all the gags, I knew it will spoil my image and would bring a big Q mark on my common sense or whatever it may be; proper sense perhaps. I don’t know what sense it is but, definitely I flushed it that morning. Wait a minute; is it Q who made me absent-minded? I wondered why it’s trying to dominate my life. Infact Q was already controlling my life. I will never get convinced that God does not play dice. I believe God is a sadist.